A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served?”

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pitcher of beer … and a mop.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar… The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You’re all a bunch of idiots.”

or… after the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “you fellas ought to know your limits.”

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?” The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “what, you got a drink named Steve?”

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A few days later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”

A tennis player walks into a bar and starts serving.

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Where have you been all my life?” “Well,” she says, “for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”

Two atoms walk out of a bar. “Oh dear, I’ve left my electrons back in the bar.” “Are you sure?” “I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” “For you? No charge.”

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, “would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? ” Descartes replied “I think not” and promptly disappeared.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender comes over and says “why the long face?”

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Martini?” Caesar says, “Why do I need 2?”

A woman goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a “double entendre”. So he gave her one.

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A computer programmer walks into a bar, there are zero bottle of beers on the wall,He takes one out and passes it on, there are 4294967295 bottles on the wall. #Unsigned integer underflow.

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about to throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, “How many bars do you own, anyway?”

A roman guy walks into a bar, raises 2 fingers and says, ” Can I have 5 beers please ?”

A dwarf walks under a bar.

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says: “We don’t serve poultry.” The chicken replies: “That’s OK. I just want a drink.”

A minimalist walks into a bar.

Two scientists came into a bar, the first asked for H2O, the second for H2O, too. The second died

Two fermions walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.” The other says “Darn, that’s what I wanted.”

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.

A limbo champion walks into a bar. He loses.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Come on, you can’t expect me to think that’s a coincidence.

Says the barkeep we don’t serve faster than light particles. Comes a tachyon into a bar.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender: “What’s with the meat?” The bartender replies: “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man replies: “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

A drunk guy walks into a bar and says, ‘I’ll buy everyone a drink!’ After everyone drinks, the bartender says, ‘That will be $63.15,’ and the drunk guy says, ‘I don’t have any money.’ So the bartender takes the guy outside and punches him in the stomach. A few minutes later, the drunk guy comes back in and says, ‘I’ll buy everyone a drink!’ Then he points to the bartender and says, ‘Except for you. When you drink, you get nasty.’

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Got any fish?” 
The bartender says no and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender “Got any fish?”
The irritated bartender says no, again, and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender “Got any fish?”
The bartender, angry now, says “Look, you’ve come in here three times asking if I’ve got any fish and I’ve told you no. If you come back in here one more time asking me, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar. Now get out! ” The penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender “Got a hammer?”
The bartender says no. 
The penguin asks “Got any nails?”
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks “Got any fish?”

© John G. Harris 2023