Top 10 jokes of all time

1. A man walks into a bar and finds his friend playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “Your dog must be really smart.” “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I beat him every game.”
2. A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
3. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “what, you got a drink named Steve?”
4. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
5. A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog.  The man says: “Does your dog bite?” The other man replies: “No, my dog doesn’t bite”.  The first man then pats the dog and it immediately bites his hand. He shouts; “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite”. The other man replies: “That’s not my dog”.
6. Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
7. It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
8. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
9. A boy scout, a priest and Elon Musk are all on a small plane that is going to crash. However there are only two parachutes on the plane. Elon Musk immediately jumps up and says “I am the world’s smartest human and the world needs me to live and he takes one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The priest tells the boy scout,  you must take the other parachute my son, you are a young man & I have made my peace with God. The Boy Scout says “Don’t worry about it, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest human just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!”
10. Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one half x squared. So she agrees and walks off. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x dx?”.The waitress says “one half x squared”. The second man beams with pride at having won his bet. While walking away, the waitress turns back and says over her shoulder “plus a constant!”